Recently, we received an interesting email from one of our members. This was a longstanding member with a child approaching secondary school age and the caller was one half of a heterosexual couple. The couple had joined DCN before getting pregnant to get support and they were still connected to us ten years later.
The email was interesting because they were looking for support around ‘telling’ for the first time. Despite ten years of membership, they hadn’t started the process of talking with their child about the fact they were donor conceived. It wasn’t because they weren’t sure about the principle of openness or were set against it. They’d joined DCN before they even conceived and had planned to be open from the get-go. But for one reason or another, they found themselves all these years later still not having started that conversation. They approached us as they wanted some specific help to work out their next steps.
It’s not unusual for people to get in touch with us when they have older children they haven’t told, even adult children, but it’s less common for that question to come from one of our members.
The situation reminded me how hard it can be for parents to feel ready, even if they’re DCN members, and it must be even harder if they don’t have the support and community we provide. It made me reflect on why ‘telling’ can be such a challenge and whether people ever feel truly ready.
One of the common reasons for delaying ‘telling’ is that it just feels premature to start with a baby and parents decide to wait a few years. Then, as time goes by, they get distracted by other important things that come along. And the more time that passes the more difficult it feels. There can be a million reasons why today is not the day. “Let’s leave it till tomorrow” is a thought I’m sure we all recognise and tomorrow can end up being a long way off.
For some parents things feel so raw following fertility treatment that once the baby is finally here they don’t want to have to remember that time. Parents would, understandably, like to put that all behind them for a while and just focus on enjoying their children and family life.
Sometimes, people might have a sense of shame or embarrassment about having used donor conception or even having had fertility treatment. These are private issues, not always easy to share and talk about in day to day conversation. Whether it’s egg, sperm, embryo or double donation, the conversation about how a child was conceived can feel awkward and uncomfortable and it can take time to process those feelings and be ready.
Occasionally, parents are anxious that the information might upset or damage their child. They want to be sure that they’ve thought it all through, that they’re doing it ‘right’. It can take time to build confidence and then time to plan how and when to have the conversation.
There may also be concerns about the child telling other people. Parents might feel comfortable with the child knowing but may not be ready to share the information more widely. This can be especially true when there is a community or cultural context which might not be as receptive to the idea of donor conception or different ways of forming a family.
When parents come to us with older children, teenagers or adults who haven’t been told, we recognise how much courage that may have taken. Hearing the information directly from parents is the best way for the information to be shared with children and we want to reassure them that it’s never too late, that ‘telling’ can be done well at any age and that there is good support available to help them prepare.
Because we know it’s not always easy, we’ve developed a range of resources and support to help. There is our Telling and Talking series of booklets that cover how to tell at different ages, following stages of child development. For those with children under seven we also offer a Telling and Talking workshop where parents can explore the topic with other parents in a structured and facilitated space. Our members and member services (WhatsApp groups, local meetups and online chats) also provide really valuable support and it’s amazing the positive impact that speaking to other people who’ve been down the path before can have.
Do people ever feel ready? Perhaps some get to that point, but I suspect lots of parents have to push themselves to make it happen. Maybe we never feel quite ready for difficult conversations we’d prefer not to have to have. But DCN can certainly help parents get to a position where, ready or not, they feel well supported and understand why and how to take that first important step.
1 February 2025
