Common concerns
“Will I bond with a child that’s not ‘mine’?”
It’s not unusual to be anxious around bonding. But we know that step-parents and adoptive parents can feel a deep sense of connection to their children. There’s no reason why parents wouldn’t love a child they’ve chosen to create, albeit with help – as thousands of donor conception families can testify. The baby will be one you and your partner have thought about, decided on, and who would not exist without that intention.
Having said that, resolving any underlying feelings of anger, grief and sadness at not being able to use your own sperm or eggs will really help. You need to allow yourself time to let go of the child you had hoped for but which cannot be, before you can start to allow yourself to consider and welcome the child that could be.
“Will I love this child?”
Loving the child you can have does not mean that there are never any feelings of sadness at times for the child it was not possible to have. This is very normal and does not mean that you feel any less love for the child or children you do have.
“You’re not my real mum/dad!”
This sentence, coming from a child, is the fear that haunts many donor conception mums and dads. In practice it doesn’t happen very often but when it does it’s good to be prepared. As part of their healthy development, children and particularly teenagers try to understand the world by testing boundaries. Being clear and truthful, as well as resisting the push against boundaries, is the job of parents. There are many aspects of being a parent. One is obviously the genetic one. But the active role of parenting, providing a home, love, care and attention, is a huge component. And on a day-to-day basis these activities are the ones that matter.
You might want to have a look at the ‘Making your decision’ section too, as this explores more about the feelings that can come up and the different ways that men and women might deal with things.
And, of course, have a look at our membership services and Destination Parenthood workshops to connect with others and get support. It’s what we’re here for, after all.
