What about the men?

Recently, male infertility and sperm donation seems to have been a big focus of my conversations. We’ve been reviewing our offer to the men in our membership and, coincidentally, I was also invited to speak on both the TestHim podcast (coming out in the autumn) and the NeXys webinar series. Both are organisations that focus on men’s fertility and one aspect of that is supporting men considering sperm donation.

It can feel a little strange for me to be speaking to men in a men’s space and it’s always an absolute privilege to be included. Those conversations made me think more about what we’ve seen and heard regarding men’s experiences in relation to their fertility, how their experience can differ from women’s and what has changed (and what has not changed) over the last 30+ years.

This is obviously just an overview of some common themes in heterosexual couples, and there are always exceptions, but the reflections below are patterns that are worth noting.

To set the scene, it’s generally the women who are the main drivers and decision-makers when it comes to questions around family-building. That can be significant when there are problems trying to conceive and it turns out to be a male-factor issue, with women still leading the conversation and the men sometimes feeling left behind or unable to know how to contribute.

Men and women often process things quite differently. Women will tend to work things out by connecting with others and having on-going conversations about their thoughts and feelings. Men tend to be less interested in talking and prefer taking on more pragmatic tasks, spending time reading and researching the subject and focussing on the practical side of things. So, when the topic is actually their own fertility they can really struggle with talking about their feelings, sometimes not even being able to recognise what those feelings are or finding a vocabulary to express them. They will let their partner lead, even in counselling sessions where they might be exploring sperm donation as an option.

For many men their fertility is very much bound up with their sense of identity as a man. A diagnosis of a low or zero sperm count can hit them deeply and language like ‘shooting blanks’ has a particularly emasculating sting. There can be deep feelings of shame and embarrassment, of feeling judged, that can make them want to bury the news rather than engage with it. Men and women may have similar feelings of loss, sadness and grief around their fertility. But for some men, the diagnosis has an additional psychological impact in terms of their masculine identity and sense of manhood.

If they are using a sperm donor, how can they connect to themselves as a man, a husband and a father in that context?

The clinic experience and treatment itself can be very female-focussed, regardless of what kind of treatment people are seeking, which can make it alienating for men. That becomes even more pronounced now that they aren’t contributing their own sperm, adding to a sense of being redundant and compounding and exaggerating all the other feelings they may be having.

They have this triple-whammy – finding it harder to express themselves emotionally, finding the topic uncomfortable and challenging to their sense of identity and then being in an environment that is female-centred.

What helps? Time, factual information and good counselling all go without saying. A patient and supportive partner can be transformational. But it can also be incredibly helpful to speak to other infertile men, which is where support groups come in. Long ago, we set up our men-only groups and we have infertile men in our welcoming team who speak to new members. We know that those spaces can be invaluable, proving a safe place for really honest conversations – men talking to other men.

In addition to the online group we have also set up an in-person, men-only pub meetup led by one of our volunteers in London every few months. Setting the conversation in a pub makes the whole thing feel less heavy and perhaps more comfortable for men. It creates an important space for a deeper conversation alongside some banter and laughter.

When DCN was first founded, the main cohort of members were heterosexual couples using sperm donation. It’s been interesting to notice how the men joining today are often dealing with a similar range of emotions as the men from 30 years ago. Some things may have changed, but some things haven’t.

One of the founders of DCN was Walter Merricks, a lawyer holding very senior appointments in legal and public institutions and father to two sperm donation children now in their late 30s. At a time when there was huge stigma associated with infertility and sperm donation and people were told to keep the whole thing secret, he stepped up to be named and pictured, proudly fronting this new charity.

Having such a successful man publicly announce his infertility and sperm donation journey, speaking to the media openly and confidently, and seeing this in no way diminishing his masculinity, was huge in changing the conversation around male infertility. He was joined and over time followed by others who were also incredibly brave in putting themselves forward publicly.

Hopefully, men contemplating sperm donation can look at some of these early trailblazers and see an example of infertile men representing a strong, confident version of masculinity.

We’re certainly here to offer support going through that process. And it’s great to see other organisations offering that dedicated support for men too.

Let’s give men the space they need to do things together their way at their pace.

Nina Barnsley
1st July 2025