Using donor conception can bring up all sorts of questions and feelings. Supporting a partner through treatment can be hard and sometimes a couple won’t agree or will have different feelings about the options available.
Depending on your personal situation (age and fertility history), most lesbian couples will start off just considering sperm donation. In that scenario, the child will be genetically related to one of you and that half of your family. Some couples choose to have different children conceived with each woman’s eggs. For some couples the choice of genetic parent, or who carries the baby, isn’t crucial and, whilst it may be important for the child to know the facts about their origins, the intention is for the family to be a unit regardless of the genetic connections. For others, the choice of who will carry and whose eggs to use will be more complicated and you’ll need time together to discuss and come to an agreement.
Some lesbian couples decide to create embryos from one partner’s eggs and transfer the embryo to the other partner to carry the baby. This is called reciprocal egg donation. Some clinics will consider the woman whose eggs are used as an egg donor, even though she is giving them to her partner. It does mean having to use IVF, which is a more complicated and expensive treatment plan. But for some couples it allows them a way to feel they have both contributed to the creation of their baby.
Lesbian couples who are considering both sperm and egg donation (double donation) might need some additional time to reflect on how they feel, given the loss of any genetic connection in the family. The fact that one of you should still be able to carry the child as well as contribute to its development and well-being through diet and other personal decisions during pregnancy can help build a connection.
Of course, it does mean finding and choosing two donors and that can sometimes add to the timeframe for treatment and the emotional complexity of deciding on the route forward. Couples who have already accepted that they’ll be using a sperm donor may find the move to also using an egg donor is an obvious next step. For others, the loss of genetic connection and the complexity of this route may mean they decide that it isn’t right for them.
Embryo donation
We tend to use embryo donation to refer to the donation of an embryo that was created by another person or couple, rather than an embryo created by a clinic from two separate donors. This is a little different to double donation from two separate donors. With embryo donation there are likely to be full genetic siblings growing up in another family, the family that donated the embryos they weren’t planning to use. And those parents may well be the full genetic parents of the donated embryo.
This can feel like a positive option for both the donating family, as they don’t have to discard those embryos, and the recipient family who are receiving an embryo that already exists and would otherwise be discarded. Another positive for some people would be the fact that there are unlikely to be large sibling groups and the story for the child is more contained than it would be if there were two completely separate donors.
These decisions are incredibly personal and the final decisions and choices will vary from person to person. The important thing is to have space and time to think things through and process the emotions that come up so that you can move forward confidently.
For many couples, the drive to have a baby can be overwhelming. You may be experiencing a strong urge to move forward and get pregnant, pushing aside difficult questions and making quick decisions. Make sure you’ve had time to process your feelings as much as you can and try not to rush ahead with treatment before you’re ready.
For surrogacy in the UK you need to have a genetic connection with the child. That may not be true for surrogacy outside the UK. In terms of bonding, you can discuss with your surrogate or agency how you can build a connection wih the baby during the pregnancy. There will be ways to start creating a bond before a baby is born, so it’s worth considering what would help you with that.
Will I feel like a real mum if it isn’t my egg and I didn’t give birth?
Alongside the excitement of a possible child, there can sometimes be anxiety from the non-biological mum that they won’t feel like, or be recognised as, a ‘real’ mum. This can be especially true if you’d hoped to carry the baby, or use your own eggs, and then that turned out not to be possible for whatever reason. That scenario can bring up a lot of sadness and grief, and it can take time to feel ready to move on to considering a plan B with your partner.
There are many aspects of being a parent. One is obviously the genetic one and the word ‘real’ can be used in that context. But the active role of parenting, providing a home, love, care and attention is a huge component. In that sense, you’ll be just as ‘real’ a parent as your partner. But it’s understandable that people might worry about this and it’s really worth talking it through with your partner and a counsellor if you can. Most clinics offer implications counselling and that can be a very valuable space for exploring any of the more difficult issues that come up, not just this topic.
How will our child feel not having a dad in the family?
Children are all different. Some seem to barely notice that they don’t have a dad and rarely ask questions. Other children express sadness about not having a dad and that can be difficult to hear sometimes. As with so much parenting, the important thing is to make sure you keep your own feelings and needs separate from your child’s and you do your best to create a warm, open environment where your child feels safe and comfortable to express difficult things. Being prepared and thinking about how you might answer questions about ‘dad’, either from your child or from others, can be helpful too. It probably will come up so it’s better to think about it ahead of time. We have resources and support around that so do have a look at our workshops, books and member services.
We’re moving to double donation – how will it feel not to have any genetic link to our child?
The first feeling that many women have when they realise they’re not going to be able to have a child with their own eggs is a deep sense of sadness and grief. It’s really important to acknowledge that and to allow yourselves space to process those feelings.
For some people, that genetic connection is a huge part of what they are looking for in becoming a parent and moving to double or embryo donation, losing that connection, can make people wonder whether they’re a ‘real’ parent. Working through those feelings and what’s at the bottom of them is really important. You might want to have a look at the ‘Making your decision’ pages too, as this explores more about the feelings that can come up. And, of course, consider joining our Network to connect with others and get support. It’s what we’re here for, after all.
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