There’s a lot to think about when you’re wondering about choosing to become parents through donor conception, especially when including surrogacy. There are lots of big decisions to make along the way and here we map out some of what you might be feeling and considering, along with suggestions on what can help.
For many same-sex couples it can be a really exciting thought that there is a way to have a baby. You’ll need a surrogate and an egg donor, so it’s not a straightforward (or cheap) route, but this is one way to be a family. You’ll need to think about whether you’ll create separate embryos with each of your sperm, or is just one of you going to be the genetic parent? With surrogacy, you’ll need to think carefully about where you have your treatment due to the huge differences in legislation around the world.
These are important decisions that will impact you and your child forever, so try not to rush and make sure you get good support and guidance. You and your future child will be glad you invested the time in planning and decision making to make confident steps forward.
Aside from the emotional journey to think about how you feel about donor conception generally, there are also more specific practical things to consider:
Where will you have treatment – what country and which clinic?
How will you find a lawyer to help with the legal side of things?
How will you find a surrogate?
What kind of surrogacy arrangement are you looking for?
What kind of egg donor will you use – someone known to you, a donor recruited through a clinic or the surrogate’s own eggs?
What personal or physical qualities are you looking for in an egg donor?
Whose sperm will you use?
How many children are you planning?
What is it like for a child not to have a mum in the family?
What time frame do you have for your treatment?
How much money do you have?
How much energy do you have?
At what point might you have to say, “stop”.
Some of these may not be simple questions to answer but it’s really important to voice and share your wishes, thoughts and any concerns with your partner and do that alongside the understandable excitement. Take advantage of any implications counselling sessions that you’re offered. This is possibly the biggest decision you’re going to make in your life so make sure you carve out time to think things through.
Speaking with other members who have been down a similar road can really help with the decision-making process.
‘Getting Started’ is perfect for anyone thinking about using a donor to build their family. We’ll have a medical expert, a donor conceived person and parents via donor conception giving all the info you need to help you make your decision.
The next event will take place on 9 November 2024 in London and costs only £75/130 per person/couple before 5 October (£90/160 thereafter). Not to be missed!
It’s very common for one partner to be at a different stage to the other. Often, one partner knows what they want while the other is unsure. Sometimes they can have reached completely opposite conclusions and don’t know how to resolve that.
One of you may be sure you want to be a dad and perhaps one of you isn’t sure, or not yet. Or maybe you don’t agree on how to move forward, what kind of donor to use, what kind of surrogacy arrangement you prefer. It might even be that one of you is more interested in adoption rather than donor conception and surrogacy.
It can take time and effort (and patience) to share those feelings and ‘catch up’ with each other. The challenge is to find a way to respect each other’s way of dealing with the situation and get to a point where you can make a joint decision with confidence.
