2023

I was incredibly flattered when my blog link was shared with members of the DCN and even more so when it was suggested that I write something for the magazine. My blog (previously at www.thegeriatricmummy.co.uk), is based on my experiences as a ‘geriatric’ mother to a donor conceived child. I started writing as a New Year’s resolution because I have a dreadful memory, don’t keep a diary and I wanted to give my son David something to look back on. I feel honoured when people read it and post comments and questions or email me directly to share their story.

I was going to write a few words about how my husband and I got to parenthood at such a late stage and the steps/difficulties we encountered, both upsetting and humorous. However, my attention was briefly diverted following a reaction I experienced just as I was starting to write. I met up with a friend who was an egg donor and whereas our donor is anonymous (we went through a fertility clinic in Spain), my friend is a known donor. The parents are able to contact her and ask her questions as their child grows up to see if she can add any possible genetic insight from her own youth. She then mentioned that the mother had asked that all contact went through her and not her husband and I started to cry. At first, I couldn’t work out why, but it suddenly came to me that if it were me, I would also want that because there is still a little part of me that feels the need to defend my right to be David’s mother. My husband is genetically linked and I am not. This sudden wave of emotion shocked me as David is now five and I can honestly say that I have never thought I am anything but David’s mother since he was born. 

I don’t think my age has anything to do with my reaction and I suspect that many parents would feel the same at different stages of parenthood. The stresses and worries unique to being a geriatric parent (I was twelve years over the baseline for geriatric at age 47!) can be added to those worries about having a donor conceived child but are probably no more than those of being a younger parent.

The positives of being an older parent, for us, included: 

• The difficulties of catching enough sleep with a newborn are slightly eased when you have to get up during the night to use the loo every four hours anyway. 
• The new diagnoses of gestational diabetes and hypothyroidism are just additional medications to stick in the pill tray. 
• Being revitalised. My husband said once, ‘What did we do when we didn’t have David?’ I think probably very little other than work and survive. 
• I don’t take half as much cr*p as I used to. I know things now. I have seen life. I think I would have been far more stressed and worried if I had been successful at having a child in my 20s. 
• Embracing a whole new world – I grew up in the 70s. We had a Pong game and a Betamax video recorder. The telly was rented. I feel like my childhood is alien to David’s BUT I embrace the soft play centres, I love YouTube learning videos and Lego has not changed, it just comes with more instructions.

The negatives for us are: 

• The physical impact on your body and likely complications that put a strain on our already overstretched NHS. 
• The difficulties of having a second child. We attempted a second implantation a year after David was born but it was not successful. When David was about three, many of his friends at nursery started to have younger siblings. David asked me if he could have a baby brother or sister and I felt a physical reaction (punch in the stomach) as I told him that I was sorry I couldn’t do that for him and reminded him how happy and fortunate we were that we had him. 
• Becoming aging and cantankerous parents and dying earlier than I would want David to have to deal with. My own father passed away when I was 39 and my mother three days before David was born. I would like to reach 87 and be here for his fortieth so am trying to get healthier. However, nobody knows when their time will actually come, so I don’t worry too much.

What we put ourselves through!

Before pregnancy, I had to endure embarrassing conversations and examinations. I had one consultant who seemed so disinterested in our issues that I almost gave up altogether. I underwent IUI in a Spanish hospital and when coming out of sedation, with no awareness of where I was or the language spoken, I tried to punch the poor nurse. When pregnant, I had gestational diabetes and towards the end, I also had to inject myself with Heparin which was so incredibly painful. After David’s birth, whilst grieving for my mother, I could not produce enough milk, so the early days of feeding were traumatic for both of us. As David grew, so did the self-doubt about our parenting: Were we potty training right? Was he talking enough? Were we giving him too much screen time? Now school has started – is it the right school? Are we helping him enough? Are we helping him too much? Does he have additional needs? Is he making friends? Are we neurotic parents, over-thinking everything?

No, we are just parents. Parents who happen to be a fair bit older than many other parents. What I’ve learnt is that if you want a child and are fortunate enough for them to be successfully conceived, carried and delivered by yourself, your partner or a surrogate, the difficulties you encounter will fade and pass as you discover that you have created a beautiful little human.

2026 Update

My article about being an older parent was first published three years ago and the blog is sadly no more. Not happy with upturning my life with late motherhood, I decided that a career change at 53 was in order and I have been focussing on that over the last three years.

I do miss the blog because I loved the fact that people would message me to say it had helped them with their worries, something I think the Donor Conception Network does so well. When I first found the Network, I had an introduction call with someone who gave me incredibly helpful lived advice about raising a donor conceived child and eased many of my concerns.

David is turning nine next month and is next to me as I type. Another reason I stopped the blog was because I realised I was including too much of his life without his consent. He knows why I am writing this and apart from initially glaring at me because there are pictures of him, he said it was okay to leave them on.

I also asked him how he feels about being conceived using a donor egg. “It makes me feel I’m special”.

First published in DCN Perspectives magazine, 2023.