Back in November 2024, the HFEA published their report on trends in fertility treatment and one thing that jumped out was the increase in single women choosing donor conception as a route to starting or expanding their family. The last 20 years has seen a shift in family formation and particularly in donor conception, so the HFEA data wasn’t a huge surprise. But it was interesting to see it in black and white. The rise in numbers prompted me to think about what we’ve seen at the Network in terms of what single women might want to think about when considering this option.
Firstly, for single women it’s a positive that there are these opportunities for them to create a family without a partner. Egg donation is now also available for those with fertility issues, making it possible to have a child through double donation or embryo donation. Clinics will happily treat single people and society at large is used to seeing single mums and solo mums without much comment. There are plenty of other women considering donor conception as well as solo mums with older children who’ve been down this path before to learn from.
Modern technology makes it easy to connect and build a supportive community. There’s lots of information about donor conception freely available and the way that life is set up, including the workplace, is more flexible and open compared to 20 years ago. All this gives options for women who want to become mothers without a partner, and they might feel lucky to be living at such a time.
But the donor conception route isn’t completely straightforward and there are some things worth spending time considering. People may be raising children they are not related to, and their children will certainly be related to the donor, a person outside the family. There can be on-going questions around who the donor is, where to place them in the family story, and later perhaps how to integrate them and any half siblings.
It might seem obvious, but being a family with only one parent is a key difference between solo mums and single mums. We know the terms ‘solo mother by choice’ (SMBC) or ‘solo mum’ can be used interchangably with ‘single mum’ but they’re not the same.
We generally use single mum to refer to someone who conceived with a partner from whom they have now separated. In that scenario, despite the woman being single, like a solo mum, there is another parent in the mix and that does make it different on a practical level.
Single mums will often have an ex-partner contributing time, money or resources (and sometimes all three) as well as possibly providing additional grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. This contribution can be substantial and significant. The ex-partner and his family are often also available to step in to help in emergencies or unexpected times of need. Of course, for couples where the separation has been unamicable this can add an extra stress, something that a solo mum by choice won’t have to consider (and nor will her children).
But it’s important to remember that solo mums who choose this route alone are having to shoulder the whole responsibility of parenthood and that can be tough. Most of the solo mums in our Network spent time really thinking things through, making sure they are well-prepared and have the resources to raise a child on their own as well as back up plans to insure them against any problems in the future. Sometimes this process makes them realise it isn’t the right route for them, and although that can be a sad decision it’s important to be realistic and not take on more than is possible. Not least because there is a child involved. Even the cost of fertility treatment can highlight potential problems, because if someone can’t manage those fees then they might also struggle with the cost of raising a child.
The solo mums who are thriving are generally those who didn’t rush and planned in detail how they would support themselves on one salary and manage childcare. They thought about how they would cope alone and how to build a support network around them and their child and they had a plan for if they got into difficulties.
This is one way that connecting with other women (through DCN, for example, or via your local Gingerbread group) to hear how they’ve managed things can be really valuable. It serves two functions. Firstly, to explore options and work out whether it’s going to work for them and how they can prepare well. Secondly, if they decide to go ahead and have a baby, through the process of connecting with other single women in the exploratory process they will have already started building that network of key people. Their child will have a ready-made group of families in a similar circumstance, and the solo mums can offer each other support and connection.
So, in summary:
- Prepare well – don’t shy away from those awkward, nagging questions
- Build a network around you – you can’t start building your community too soon!
- Think about how will you manage things alone – put some strategies in place
- When is the right time to start – do you need to get some ducks in a row before starting treatment?
- Is this the right route for you? – give yourself space to consider that question so you can be absolutely sure you’re making the right decision.
We can help with lots of these elements and we know how valuable DCN membership has been for solo mum families. Have a look at our website, specifically the single women pages, for more details.
By Nina Barnsley, 1 January 2025
Further reading:
HFEA – Family formations in fertility treatment 2022
Published November 2024
PET Podcast: Fertility Treatment for Single People – Who Should Pay?
January 2024
https://www.progress.org.uk/pet-podcast-fertility-treatment-for-single-people-who-should-pay/
Reflection by a woman who decided not to pursue this route
December 2020
https://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/2020/12/11/decision-i-am-not-doing-this/
