Making the decision on whether or not to use donor conception to create or expand your family is often complex. There are different elements to the decision and different implications – it can feel overwhelming. Here we map out some of what you might be feeling and thinking, and give some suggestions of what can help.
For most couples, using donor conception is not how they imagined their route to parenthood. Some people may have known about fertility issues or other reasons why they wouldn’t be able to make a baby with their partner. But for most couples the assumption would be that they would make a child together, even if that required IVF or some other help.
The first feeling that many people have when that doesn’t happen is to feel a deep sense of sadness and grief. It’s really important to acknowledge that and to allow yourself and your partner space to process those feelings, together and separately.
There are important decisions to make which really isn’t easy when you’re also managing those complicated feelings. Give yourselves time and make sure you get good support. And try not to rush things.
Part of the decision making process is to consider whether this is the right route for you both. Donor conception isn’t necessarily right for every couple who aren’t able to use their own eggs or sperm. For some people, that genetic connection is a huge part of what they are looking for in becoming a parent. The feeling of disparity can also feel uncomfortable if one of you will be genetically related to the child while the other won’t be. You might be wondering: will I feel like a ‘real’ parent and, perhaps, will my partner and others see me as a ‘real’ parent?
Aside from the emotional journey to think about how you feel about donor conception generally, there are also more specific practical things to consider:
Where will you have treatment – what country and which clinic?
If you’re using sperm donation, will you use a clinic at all?
What kind of donor will you use – someone known to you, someone anonymous?
What personal or physical qualities are you looking for in a donor?
What time frame do you have for your treatment and how much money do you have?
How much energy do you have?
At what point might you have to say, “stop”?
These are not simple questions to answer and you may not agree on some or any of them. It’s so important to voice and share your fears and concerns, so that you can also allow yourself the opportunity to consider the potential joy and excitement. Getting couples talking is a huge part of what the implications counselling offered by UK clinics helps with. The additional services we offer can also be incredibly helpful in providing a space for those difficult conversations. We know from feedback that our Destination Parenthood workshops can be particularly transformative.
If you’re finding the decision-making process emotional and complicated, that’s very normal. Speaking with other members who have been down a similar road can really help.
‘Getting Started’ is perfect for anyone thinking about using a donor to build their family. We’ll have a medical expert, a donor conceived person and parents via donor conception giving all the info you need to help you make your decision.
The next event will take place on 9 November 2024 in London and costs only £75/130 per person/couple before 5 October (£90/160 thereafter). Not to be missed!
Men and women often have very different approaches to decision making, particularly when issues have a strong emotional component. Infertility and ways to get around the difficulties are no different and in many ways more sensitive than most because of the high value that society places on the ability to make babies.
Typically, men would prefer not to talk about their own or their partner’s fertility problems and women would like to have an on-going conversation about them. Men would prefer either not to think about it at all or quietly research on the internet. Women often like to talk and share their thoughts with friends or family or on fertility forums. They may research on the internet and read anything they can get their hands on.
Of course, these are stereotypes and significant numbers of men and women don’t conform to these differences. But we have talked to enough couples over the years (and know from our own personal experiences) that these approaches ring true for many people. And we know that the difference in approaches can create conflict and frustration, adding to the stress of fertility treatment. Cracks in relationships can appear but, if a couple can find good support, it can sometimes also bring couples closer together.
“I was so confused and I found it so helpful to speak to our welcomer family – it really made a difference to our decision making”
It’s very common for one partner to be at a different stage to the other. Often, one partner knows what they want while the other is unsure. Sometimes they can have reached completely opposite conclusions and don’t know how to resolve that. It can take time and effort (and patience) to share those feelings and ‘catch up’ with each other. The challenge is to find a way to respect each other’s way of dealing with the situation and get to a point where you can make a joint decision with confidence.
Some families may be coming to donor conception after having had a child, or children, but suffering from secondary infertility. Moving from using your own eggs and sperm to using a donor for a second child can add an extra layer to the decision-making. We have lots of members in this scenario – what we call a ‘mixed’ family – and we also have a booklet specially for this situation called Mixed Blessings.
