Using donor conception can bring up all sorts of questions and feelings.
Depending on your personal situation (particularly your age and fertility history), most single women will start off just considering sperm donation. In that scenario, the child will be genetically related to you and your family and that connection can help.
For single women who are using both sperm and egg donation there can sometimes be fears around not bonding and whether they will feel like a ‘real mum’. The fact that most women will still be able to carry the child as well as contribute to its development and well being through their diet and other personal decisions during pregnancy can help encourage that sense of bonding.
Of course, it does mean finding and choosing two donors and that can sometimes add to the timeframe for treatment and the emotional complexity of deciding on the route forward. Women who have already accepted that they’ll be using a sperm donor may find the move to also using an egg donor is an obvious next step. For others, the loss of genetic connection and the complexity of this route may mean they decide that it isn’t right for them.
We tend to use embryo donation to refer to the donation of an embryo that was created by another person or couple, rather than an embryo created by a clinic from two separate donors. This is a little different to double donation from two separate donors. With embryo donation there are likely to be full genetic siblings growing up in another family, the family that donated the embryos they weren’t planning to use. And those parents may well be the full genetic parents of the donated embryo.
This can feel like a positive option for both the donating family, as they don’t have to discard those embryos, and the recipient family who are receiving an embryo that already exists and would otherwise be discarded. Another positive for some people would be the fact that there are unlikely to be large sibling groups and the story for the child is more contained than it would be if there were two completely separate donors.
These decisions are incredibly personal and the final decisions and choices will vary from person to person. The important thing is to have space and time to think things through and process the emotions that come up so that you can move forward confidently.
For many women, the drive to have a baby can be overwhelming. You may be experiencing a strong urge to move forward and get pregnant, pushing aside difficult questions and making quick decisions. Make sure you’ve had time to process your feelings as much as you can and try not to rush ahead with treatment before you’re ready.
For surrogacy in the UK you need to have a genetic connection with the child, so you would need to be using your own eggs. That may not be true for surrogacy outside the UK. In terms of bonding, you can discuss with your surrogate or agency how you can build a connection wih the baby during the pregnancy. There will be ways to start creating a bond before a baby is born, so it’s worth considering what would help you with that.
If you’re asking yourself this question, that’s great because it’s really important to think about how you’re going to support yourself and your child financially, emotionally and practically as a single person. You’re going to need some outside support too and it’s worth really investing time in thinking about how much support is actually available. Children are expensive, they get sick, they need a lot of attention and care. You yourself might get sick and will need time for yourself. On a practical level, you won’t be able to work and be looking after your child at the same time so you’ll need to think about how to manage that. Will you save up so you can take a long maternity leave or will you organise childcare or do some juggling? You’ll need back-up and it’s really helpful to get some of that in place before you even get pregnant. It’s doable, but it needs planning and effort.
Children are all different. Some seem to barely notice that they don’t have a dad and rarely ask questions. Other children express sadness about not having a dad and that can be difficult to hear sometimes. It may reflect your own sadness that you didn’t do this with a partner when you’d have liked to. As with so much parenting, the important thing is to make sure you keep your own feelings and needs separate from your child’s and you do your best to create a warm, open environment where your child feels safe and comfortable to express difficult things. Being prepared and thinking about how you might answer questions about ‘dad’, either from your child or from others, can be helpful too. It probably will come up so it’s better to think about it ahead of time. We have resources and support around that so do have a look at our workshops, books and member services.
The first feeling that many women have when they realise they’re not going to be able to have a child with their own eggs is a deep sense of sadness and grief. It’s really important to acknowledge that and to allow yourself space to process those feelings.
For some people, that genetic connection is a huge part of what they are looking for in becoming a parent and moving to double or embryo donation, losing that connection, can make people wonder whether they’re a ‘real’ parent. Working through those feelings and what’s at the bottom of them is really important.
There are many aspects of being a parent. One is obviously the genetic one and the word ‘real’ can be used in that context. But the active role of parenting, providing a home, love, care and attention is a huge component. In that sense, you’ll be the only ‘real’ parent your child will know. But it can take time to assess whether using both egg and sperm donation is right for you.
You might want to have a look at the section on ‘Making the Decision’ too, as this explores more about the feelings that can come up. And, of course, have a look at our membership services and Destination Parenthood workshops to connect with others and get support. It’s what we’re here for, after all.
