Known donation – is it the ideal option?
This article looks at the pros and cons of using a donor who is known to you, whether that’s a family member, a friend, or someone you’ve connected with specifically to be a donor.
We’re hearing more stories about donor conceived people expressing curiosity about their donors and wanting more information about them. In countries with identifiable/ID release donors, information and connection is now a possibility in the future, but only once the child reaches a certain age and that delay can feel frustrating.
This is leading some prospective parents to wonder whether it would be better to use a known donor and have everything in the open and available from the start. Important medical history could be shared and kept updated as new details emerge. Information about the donor would be accessible to parents or children whenever it was requested (in theory, at least) and contact could even be made early in a child’s life if that was thought to be beneficial or needed.
For parents with an anonymous or ID release donor it can sometimes be hard to know what to say with certainty about the donor, including facts that might matter to a child’s sense of identity and heritage such as ethnicity or nationality. Knowing the donor would help a child answer the many-layered question “where do I come from?” and parents can respond to questions like what does the donor look like or what’s their favourite colour.
Looking at those positives, using a known donor might seem really attractive and raises the question of whether it’s the ideal option.
For such a personal decision, it’s impossible to give a universal answer, of course. We certainly know families where having a known donor is working really well. But it’s not without its own specific challenges and differences.
Firstly, finding a donor yourself can be harder than using a donor bank or going through your clinic. If you’re hoping for a friend or family member to donate there might not be anyone suitable. Plus, it can be tricky to know how to make that kind of approach in a way that is sensitive and doesn’t put pressure on them, but also works to your time-frame.
If searching for a donor online, it can be hard to know who to trust and who to choose. There aren’t the same guardrails or checks and balances that are provided by a clinic or an egg or sperm bank. The internet is an unreliable and unregulated space and there have been several news stories of women and couples being misled or let down by donors, or worse.
Additionally, finding a donor with whom you share common values and a common approach to the arrangement might also prove difficult. If a child is born, the relationship with the donor is going to be for life and you will need to communicate and negotiate with them over time. Your child may also need to be able to do that. How will you decide if this person is right for such an important and close relationship?
Another thing to consider is that people’s circumstances and wishes change. That’s true for parents, it’s true for donors and it’s true for children. A donor may have a new partner who doesn’t feel positively about the arrangement and that could have a dramatic effect on the donor’s attitude. Agreements that were considered set in stone may suddenly be disregarded or changed, leaving parents and children confused or hurt. The same would be true with any kind of falling out with the donor.
This highlights how difficult it can be to establish and maintain clear boundaries separating the family and a known donor, particularly for children when they are young. That can be especially true if the donor is closely connected and someone you see regularly. Even the terminology can get confusing when, for example, the egg donor is also the child’s biological aunt. A sperm donor named John who you see periodically might change from being referred to as donor, to ‘John’, to ‘sort-of-uncle’, or even ‘dad’.
And of course, as children grow up they will have their own views on the arrangement. They may use different language and ask for more (or less) contact with the donor than had been agreed by the adults. How will that be managed?
One of the biggest changes that happens is likely to simply be the arrival of the child. The feelings that come up when a baby is on the way or is born can be unpredictable, despite everyone’s best intentions. Donors can suddenly want to be more involved or less. Parents can want more input from the donor or want them to step away completely. This makes it hard to have things set in stone and open dialogue with some degree of flexibility will be important.
For all the reasons above, we would always recommend not rushing the process. Make sure you have plenty of time to get to know each other and to discuss and think through how any arrangement will work. Building a relationship will protect against some of the potential pitfalls.
Counselling is essential. As is drawing up an agreement, laying out in black and white the intentions of each party including rights and responsibilities. Even though this won’t be a legally enforceable document, having a record for the future can be helpful in avoiding conflict in the first place. And if there is a falling out or disagreement it can be a useful document to fall back on to try to resolve things.
The process of mapping all this out might actually also be an indication of whether both parties (prospective parents and the donor) are really envisaging the same sort of arrangement and whether they can work together positively and collaboratively. If not, it will have been a valuable assessment method and perhaps provide a steer on what the next step should be.
There’s clearly a lot to weigh up, with pros and cons for known donation that will have different levels of relevance depending on your circumstances. In summary, in our experience I’d probably say that if problems arise they can be particularly challenging to resolve, but when it works it can work incredibly well. Just take your time.
Nina Barnsley
1st March 2026
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