On 15 November I attended an online event titled ‘Are sperm donors really so different from other volunteers?’. This was organised by the Politics of Reproduction Research Group based in Canada and Alison Motluk (from HeyReprotech) was chairing. She invited three sperm donors to share their stories and talk about what being a sperm donor meant to them. It was a really interesting discussion but, unfortunately, the event wasn’t recorded and therefore can’t be shared so I’ll try to give a brief snapshot here.
The donors were based in Canada and each man started with details of how they’d originally donated (when, where, for how long and the details of payments). There was quite a bit of variation in motivation and timing – one man had donated over several decades, another had donated both privately and through clinics, payments were mentioned by one as a strong motivating factor. One donor made serious criticisms of the way some clinics and sperm banks had operated and that probably warrants another webinar.
The donors talked about how their feelings about sperm donation have changed over the years. This was in part due to their experiences of meeting prospective parents, meeting parents once children had been born and meeting their DC offspring many years later. Some connections with DC offspring had been made through DNA testing and some through on-going connection with the parents. They spoke openly and frankly, and that was partly what made the event so interesting, with Alison sensitively chairing the conversation.
Obviously, a sample of just three individuals isn’t enough to base a conclusion but there were some themes that came through.
An interesting difference between the donors’ attitudes was around whether the donor had children himself. It was clear that the donor who didn’t have children himself found it much easier to speak about his DC offspring in very familiar terms. The man who had his own adult son drew slightly different boundaries and used less familiar language to describe his relationship to his offspring. He also shared that his son wasn’t interested in his father’s DC offspring, despite him being closely genetically related to them and despite the fact that those offspring had in some cases formed close connections to each other. He didn’t feel part of that group, and it sounded like he wasn’t particularly comfortable about his father having a relationship with them.
Some of the men’s partners also expressed disinterest or even discomfort with the fact that their husbands or boyfriends had been sperm donors and had these ‘other’ children. Partners don’t always get a say in the decision, not least because some of these relationships will start after the person has donated. It’s a situation that’s hard to predict or plan for, so how can we weave those future partners into the conversation? And what role do partners of donors play in these extended connections with offspring and families?
All three men had met several of their offspring and had forged close relationships with some. These close connections made it clear that the boundaries between the different parties could sometimes get quite blurred. Having the donor as part of their life was clearly important to many of the DC adults and for solo mum and two-mum families in particular the donor seemed to take a significant position. One donor referred comfortably and intentionally to himself as ‘father’ and his offspring as his ‘sons and daughters’.
Ultimately, the webinar didn’t really address the question it posed “Are sperm donors really so different from other volunteers?’. I’m not sure if that was because the obvious answer was ‘yes, it’s different’ because this act creates a human being. It seemed like the discussion wasn’t really about whether we can compare it to other voluntary gestures, such as blood donation, and more about exploring the fact that it clearly is actually quite different.
When thinking about the future and guidance that should be given to donors on whether, when and how to donate, one of the donors said that each situation (donor, family, donor conceived person) was so individual and unique that it was impossible to put down rigid guidelines. As he saw it there was ‘no model, only examples’ and perhaps he’s right. There are certainly a hugely varied range of experiences, motivations and outcomes and it’s tricky to lay down hard lines.
In any case, the conversation was important and covered a wide range of aspects, not all of them comfortable listening. Alison was not afraid to go into challenging territory and ask difficult questions. She let the donors speak for themselves openly and this provided a really valuable insight into their side of the donor conception story. We need more of these kinds of discussions to help the parties involved to navigate this territory where there is no clear map and the impact is so great.
By Nina Barnsley, 1 December 2024.
