Judy Watson writes about her son’s enthusiasm for openness about his donor origins.
When our son, Patrick who was born using donor sperm, was 6 years old, we took some flowers to the local churchyard to put on the grave of a student of mine who had died. Quite out of the blue, Patrick asked, “Is that my dad buried there?” he then went on to speculate that his biological father looked like Harry Potter – a description which didn’t sound flattering!
This incident took us completely by surprise! We had been reading ‘ My Story’ to Patrick since he was about two and a half and had answered his questions when they came up – which was not very often. We had no idea that he was mulling it all over quietly behind the scenes. However, there were many more incidents to come – many more questions, some expressions of anger, just a little manipulation! Bed time is always a good time: “I know my real dad would let me ….” Good delaying tactic!
As time passed, Patrick became more and more open about his origins and when he was seven, he decided he would tell his whole class at school. We were slightly nervous about this because up to this point we had only told family and close friends; but with a deep breath, we supported him all the way. We contacted his teacher (who already knew) and she handled it brilliantly. She introduced the subject in circle time by asking if anyone felt different or special which was Patrick’s cue to tell his story. The children were fantastically receptive apparently and asked lots of sensible questions. It was a good educational experience for everyone and no parents complained!
We live in a fairly small village – for Archers fans it is rather like Ambridge – and there was a certain amount of gossip afterwards as children returned home to give the news that Matthew wasn’t Patricks “real” dad. My friends reported discussions in queues at the bus stop and at the playground gate, but Patrick felt that “telling” had been so positive that it didn’t matter to us at all. There was a slightly awkward moment a few months later at a barbecue when one parent told the assembled guests that her son had come home and asked whether he had been born using donor sperm. She was somewhat perplexed because he didn’t go on to explain anything else – I talked to her later!
It is in this context of complete open-ness that we responded to an advertisement in DC Network News for a family to appear in a BBC programme about donor conception. We asked Patrick what he thought about being on TV and he was quite excited. We had already been talking about the possible change in the law from anonymous to known donors and Patrick, because he was nine, kept changing his mind about whether he would like to meet his donor or not when he grew up: he was perfectly prepared to talk about it. I had a long conversation with the researcher on the phone, a visit from the producer and then the day of filming arrived.
The BBC had contacted school to ask permission to film children leaving the playground at the end of the day: Patrick had told his class and his teacher all about it and off we went. To Patrick’s great delight, the producer gave him £2 to buy an ice cream at the local shop so we went there straight from school (being filmed all the way.) and then home for interviews.
Patrick was interviewed first in the garden on his own so we had no idea what he was saying. At one point he rushed in to get the two books he has on the subject and the details about his donor -many of which he read out and appear in the programme. I was next and then, when Matthew arrived home from work, he too disappeared into the garden – but armed with tea and biscuits!
Afterwards we were filmed making dinner and playing a board game, then the cameraman, producer and researcher, all of whom were great people, left promising that we would be on air two weeks later. However…we had a call to say that the computer had done something terrible and there was no time to re-edit so we wouldn’t be on after all, they would have to make do with what they had from elsewhere. Imagine Patrick’s disappointment! The programme Politics Now rescued the situation by using the film to introduce the topic of donor anonymity on their Sunday lunchtime discussion programme. Phew! We were saved! That programme’s producer was brilliant and sent us a copy of the tape – we in turn have copied this for The Network Library. It’s great, a short clip of us – mainly Patrick talking sounding gorgeous – then a discussion between an egg donor, a member of staff from St Michael’s Hospital, Bristol, and the Conservative PPC for Weston-super-Mare.
We thought it was really interesting.
And so did Patrick’s class! He took the tape in to show them and his teacher allowed them to watch it in their PHSE lesson. The discussion afterwards astonished everyone and took the whole afternoon. Yet again the topic proved to be fascinating for the children and a great opportunity to educate. Perhaps more importantly, Patrick was made to feel really good about himself and had confirmation from his peers that it is OK to be born this way.
With regard to the ending of anonymity for donors….Patrick thinks it isn’t fair that donors aren’t being made to meet their offspring when the children are 18 – at least, he thinks that some days and as for others – well, his donor might be fat and smoke so he wouldn’t want to meet him anyway!
