At the end of February, we hosted another of our Big Question webinars. This is a new DCN series where we choose an interesting topic and invite an expert to explore it with us.
The “Big Question“ we’d chosen this time was How can I feel like the ‘real’ parent? Letting go of genetic loss, which we knew would be challenging. The word ‘real’ is a complicated one. It has layered meanings and can be used in different ways. It can relate to something physical or factual, something felt or demonstrated. The layered meanings make it difficult to interpret the word without context and that context includes the sensitivity of both the person using it and the person hearing it.
In the context of being a ‘real’ parent, it can be used synonymously with ‘genetic’ or ‘biological’, but it can also refer to the action of ‘doing’ the parenting, sharing family-life, being committed and present. It can mean the intention of taking on the responsibilities of a parent and the active decision to create a child and welcome them into a family, regardless of how that child arrives. That is also ‘real’.
We know that in the donor conception community the word can feel particularly emotive, where the loss of a genetic connection to a child, usually an expectation for parenthood, might make people question their role and even their legitimacy. Parents sometimes worry that it will be thrown back at them by their children, picturing a scene where a child says “You’re not my real mum/dad” and struggling to know how to respond.
The word can also cause trouble for some donor conceived people and donors who find it hard to find terms that correctly clarify and differentiate their relationships with close genetic relatives who are not the parents and family they’ve grown up with. Is a half-sibling a real sister? Are they the same kind of real sister as the sister they grew up with, regardless of any genetic connection or lack of?
In more general conversations, it can be a tripwire for friends and family. When parents share that they used donor conception, we know of situations where they have been asked about who the ‘real’ mum or dad is, meaning who is the donor. For someone feeling raw and sensitive after fertility treatment, the question can come across like a challenge to legitimacy, even if that wasn’t at all the intention.
We decided to tackle the topic head on, inviting Jana Rupnow to explore the subject with us. Jana is an author, speaker and counsellor from the US who has a huge amount of experience working with donor conception families. She herself is adopted and has an adopted daughter, so she knows first-hand how complicated that word ‘real’ can be when trying to describe family connections.
On the sign up form we allowed people to submit their thoughts ahead of the event. It was so interesting to read through those comments and we could see that people were really engaged with the question.
We had single women asking how to respond when their child might ask ‘who’s my real dad?’. Single women who were using double or embryo donation, shared how the move from sperm donation to needing an egg donor can be an emotional block. Choosing to have a baby was one decision, moving to double donation and losing that genetic connection was a different decision. Part of the thinking through relates to whether they would still feel like a real mum.
Lesbian couples shared their thoughts too. Women who don’t give birth can wonder whether they will feel like a real mum and whether the wider world see them as mum. Do they have the same connection to their child as the biological mum and, if not, what relevance does that have? We know other kids can ask children in lesbian families, “yeah, but which one is your actual mum?”. Of course, children may be starting to get to grips with the meaning of genetics and trying to place people in that framework. But the language can come across clumsily and trigger feelings that expose an underlying vulnerability.
Other comments were along the lines of how to balance the importance of the donor, and being open about that, whilst also reinforcing the parent’s role as parent. How can you keep the donor in the frame, but not over-emphasise their position and not take away from a parents’ central role and place. This takes on another level when there are obvious differences in looks between parent and child, constantly highlighting the lack of genetic link
That sense of somehow not being ‘real’ can be carried by parents as a weight and can be a barrier to close relationships. It can take time to process and let go of that weight and get to a place where the word real can be truly felt as rooted in the quality, depth and importance of the familial bond between the parent and child.
The Big Question led to a really interesting conversation but in an hour we really only scratched the surface of a huge and nuanced topic. Ultimately, like so many of the questions that come up in the Network the answer has something to do with allowing space to feel difficult feelings, talking honestly and openly and building confidence over time.
To close, I’ll quote Jana’s words, “you have to feel it to heal it”. So, feel any loss and grief and then embrace your role as parent and claim that word.
Nina Barnsley
1st March 2025
If you’re a member, you can watch the recording of the webinar in the members’ area of our website.
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