What can we learn from the world of adoption?

Back in March, we ran a Big Question webinar exploring what the donor conception world has learnt from the adoption world.

Firstly, it’s important to say that, of course, donor conception isn’t the same as adoption. There are important differences but it’s true to say that there are also some overlaps. Both share questions for parents around how to manage information about a child’s origins. Parents need to consider how and when to explain things to a child and how to integrate other people who are closely genetically related into the family story and potentially into their lives. Those issues are to some degree shared.

As with donor conception, there was a time when adoption was kept a secret and some professionals suggested that parents pretend that they had conceived the child naturally. They might even have been told that it could be damaging to the child to know the truth.

That advice changed a long time ago for adoptive parents. In part, that was because adoption moved from a private arrangement to sit under the umbrella of social services, so social work principles were invoked early on. There was a recognition that truth was important and holding a secret was difficult if not impossible. It was clear that biological relationships were important, even if they weren’t the whole story, and that with support, adoptive parents could find a way to share the information with their children truthfully and positively. And that was better for the families all round.

The donor conception world, and DC Network particularly, has drawn a lot of its approach around openness from the experience and approach of the adoption and post-adoption community. There were lots of helpful messages to learn from listening to adoptees, adoptive parents and professionals working in that field that could also be translated into good practice.

Donor conception has always come under the umbrella of clinical fertility treatment and was viewed more through that medical lens. It took longer for that community to embrace the messages around the benefits and importance of openness. But adoption led the way in showing that it could and should be done.

But despite the fact that there are overlaps, there are two significant differences when comparing donor conception with adoption.

The first key difference is that the parents raising a donor conceived child were always the ones who intended to have that child. This is hugely important, particularly in terms of the family story. It means there was no child, not even the idea of a child, until parents decided to embark on their fertility journey. The intention, the planning, the decision-making were all focussed on this child in this family and they couldn’t have been created any other way.

The one caveat might be with embryo donation where the embryos are donated post IVF treatment. In that scenario, there could be a sense for the children that there was an element of fate that determined which embryos ended up in which families. I wrote about why embryo donation is a little different in a previous blog. But that still isn’t the same as a child actually being born into one family and then moving to another.

The second key difference, related to the first, is that a donor conceived child isn’t born into one kinship group and then welcomed into another, so there is no transfer of roles. The back story for many adoptees can be incredibly complex and difficult. The story they have to integrate and make sense of may involve loss, trauma, rejection or disrupted relationships. Understandably, feelings of abandonment often feature. That can make questions about identity and belonging especially emotionally challenging.

These two important differences make the parallels with adoption seem less significant and far smaller. Comparisons around truth and transparency are principles we can apply in all sorts of areas of life, not just adoption or donor conception. Unexpected family connections coming to light thanks to unknown affairs or other family secrets are not uncommon for ‘ordinary’ families.

So the overlaps are there but the differences are powerful and foundational. The fact that the child was wanted and the clarity over where they belong and who intends to be responsible for them makes it a very different start in life. Yes, we can learn a lot from the adoption world but ultimately the experiences are quite different and need to be understood on their own terms.

Nina Barnsley
1st June 2026